Most parents who suspect their child has additional needs feel the same thing before their first conversation with school: a knot of dread. You want to be taken seriously. You don't want to be seen as the difficult parent. You're not sure whether what you're noticing is “a real issue” or just the normal mess of childhood.
This guide is for that moment: before you've raised the conversation, or after a first attempt that didn't land the way you hoped. It walks through who to speak to, when, and how to make the conversation useful.
Who do I talk to first?
Almost always, start with your child's class teacher. They see your child every day, they're the person who will need to change something if support is to improve, and they are the natural first port of call. Asking for a short meeting (ten or fifteen minutes) is usually enough.
If you've already had a conversation with the teacher and you'd like to take things further, the next person to ask for is the school's SENCo (Special Educational Needs Coordinator). Every mainstream school in England is required to have one. The SENCo's role is to coordinate provision for children with SEND across the school, and they can take a more strategic view than an individual teacher can.
Every state-funded school must publish a SEND Information Report (sometimes called the “SEN Information Report”) on its website. It explains how the school identifies, supports and reviews children with SEND. Reading this before any meeting tells you what they say they do, which gives you a frame for the conversation.
Preparing for the conversation
Five minutes of preparation makes the conversation twice as effective. Before the meeting, jot down:
- What you've noticed. Specific examples are far more useful than general impressions. “He's been refusing to do homework for two months and last week told me he hates Tuesdays” is more actionable than “he seems unhappy.”
- When it started, and what changed around that time. A move, a new sibling, a new teacher, an illness; context matters.
- What your child has said about it. In their own words where possible.
- What you've already tried. Anything that worked, anything that didn't.
- What you'd like the school to do next. Even if that's just “watch closely for a fortnight and feed back to me.”
Phrases that tend to land well
Schools respond best to parents who come in collaborative, specific and curious, rather than worried, vague or accusatory. The content of what you say matters less than the tone of how you say it. Some openings that work:
“I'm noticing something at home that I wanted to share, and I'd value your perspective on what's going on in school.”
And later, if you want to push for more concrete action:
“What would the next step look like? And how will we both know whether it's helping?”
The second question is the more important one. Asking what “helping” looks like forces the conversation to be specific, and gives you a way to come back in six weeks and review.
What the school might do next
If the conversation goes well, the school may suggest one or more of the following:
- Watching and recording. Often the first step: the teacher keeps notes for a defined period, then reviews with you.
- Adjustments in class. Differentiated tasks, a quiet workspace, movement breaks, visual schedules; these things rarely require formal paperwork and a good teacher can usually start them quickly.
- Putting your child on the school's SEN Support register. This means they are formally identified as needing extra support, and the school will follow a cycle of Assess, Plan, Do, Review (the “graduated approach”).
- Seeking external advice. The school may request input from an Educational Psychologist, speech and language therapist, or other specialists. Some of this is funded centrally; some requires the school to commission it.
What if the conversation doesn't get you anywhere?
Sometimes, despite everyone's good intentions, the response is slower than you'd like, or you feel your concerns aren't being heard. A few options:
- Put it in writing. A short, polite email summarising what you raised and what was agreed creates a record. Schools take written concerns more seriously than verbal ones, simply because there's a paper trail.
- Ask for a follow-up meeting in six weeks. Setting a review date in advance is one of the simplest ways to keep things moving.
- Escalate within school. If the SENCo isn't responsive, you can ask to meet the headteacher.
- Contact your local authority's SEND Information, Advice and Support Service (SENDIASS). They are independent of the local authority and offer free advice to parents.
Almost every school wants to help, but they are often working with limited capacity and competing priorities. Being persistent, specific and collaborative is usually more effective than being formal or adversarial. Most stuck situations move forward with one well-placed email and a clearly agreed next step.
How Otto Education can help
If you'd like a second opinion before raising a concern, or you've hit a wall and want to think through what to do next, a free 30-minute call is the best place to start. We can help you frame the conversation, look at what evidence you might want to gather, and decide whether escalation is appropriate.
Written by Myette Blannin · May 2026 · Otto Education
This article is for general information only. Every school and every child is different. If you'd like advice tailored to your situation, get in touch.